The A to Z of spanking. Part 1

V is for... vanilla.

A derogratory label used by those who like spanking / BDSM to describe those unfortunates who do not like spanking / BDSM. People who use the phrase "vanilla" generally think that sexual preferences are black and white: you either like to be caned, or you like sex in the missionary position - that's it. Not realising that most folk appear somewhere on the spectrum: many people enjoy conventional sexual activity, but also throw in a bit of light bondage or spanking to spice things up occasionally. Most men would slap a nice bottom given the opportunity. Just because these people don't frequent fetish clubs, don't dress as schoolgirls or exclusively in black, and don't spend 23 hours a day posting on British Spanking's chatter forum, doesn't mean they're wierd.

S is for... scene.

A pompous term used to describe the cross-section of our population who enjoy spanking. Often use phrases like "experienced scene-player" or "veteran of the scene". Like the Freemasons, the "scene" has a secret handshake. To show you are a member of the scene, you need to stand in a bar with your left hand resting on your right buttock.

C is for... chancer.

A term used to describe a man who posts a two- or three-line personal on a site such as IC, or BS, or ITC, wanting a beautiful, willing spanking partner for uncomplicated liaisons, and then expecting THOUSANDS of replies. Such men are generally married to unsuspecting vanilla partners (see above for definition of "vanilla").

...wrestling

Today I did something that everyone does occasionally - I googled my name. A conceited act, yes, but I typed my real name into Google and checked out the results. There were a few other people who shared my name, which is entirely their perogative, and there were several results that were actually me, where I have appeared on the Internet under my real name (in a totally vanilla, non-spanking context, of course). Fortunately, there are no serial killers who share my name, nor is anyone slandering me, so as far as Google's concerned my identity is pretty much OK.

I then googled "Danny Havoc", and what did I find? An American wrestler who used the same name. Now, you may not believe me here, but I swear - I did not chose the name because of that person. My name was a spur of the moment thing. I lurked on a spanking site for ages, and eventually decided I needed to join. But when faced with having to type in a username, I panicked. I sweated. I didn't know what to write. I couldn't use my real name - what would the neighbours say? So I selected the first name that entered my head - Danny. And then a word to go with it - Havoc. Hey, it could have been worse: you could now be reading Kevin Chaos' Warblings, and then you'd really be able to take the piss!

Anyway, the first two or three pages of Google's search results are referring to Danny Havoc the Wrestler, not Danny Havoc the Spanking Person. However, tucked away there, in the second or third page of Google's results, is a link to the Spanking Tools website. So maybe there's a danger of me poisoning the wholesome mind of a wrestling enthusiast. Ooops.

The bottom line is this - if your idea of heaven is chanting "Easy! Easy!" at some mulleted, middle-aged, lycra-clad muscle-man, and you're here expecting to read the warblings of an American grapple artist, then please accept my apologies for the filth you are presently reading.

See you.

...fratellis

Treated myself to Costello Music, the Fratellis album, today. Definitely recommended; one of the best albums of 2006 (the best album of 2006, of course, is Twelve Stops and Home by The Feeling).

The Fratellis' album cover, though, is undoubtedly the best CD cover of 2006. Can't work out why.

...lowewood

The cheeky Rapunzel and her shameless friends have launched a new blog: Lowewood Academy - For girls that should know better. To whet your appetite, if you're a fan of "smacked bottoms and general sinning" - and, let's face it, who isn't? - then evidently you should head straight over there. www.lowewood-academy.co.uk

Actually, can't think of a better way to nurse my New Year's Day hangover...